The Absolutely Fabulous Tour by J Saunders
The Gloucester B team embarked on their first tour of the season, a three-day break on the South Coast. Many kisses and hugs were offered, as usual most were refused. As the mini-bus left Longlevens Coaches Wixey and Harris looked at each other puzzled as to why the parents had disappeared quickly without waving the boys off. The naïve coaches put it down to the parents being nervous about their offspring being away from them for the first time. The group immediately launched into songs, worryingly it was a drinking song, even more worryingly most knew all the words. Coaches Wixey and Harris looked at each other and naively put it down to social networking.
Coach Harris gave Wixey an informative, interesting and certainly not boring talk on how he has lost a few pounds on his latest diet. Wixey wishes the “5 minutes” told in reply to every question relating to time is true as coffee is urgently required to keep him awake. The first services break saw Coach Harris head straight for McDonalds, completely ruining his diet. Wixey is relieved for the onward journey. Most of the finely tuned athletes follow Coach Harris lead and ditch the healthy packed lunches in favour of nuggets and burgers as well. Randall is the notable exception and insists on munching his favourite sandwich of lettuce, gherkin and mackrell. He is immediately installed as favourite for the eating award in Jersey and third favourite to need Coach Harris’ counselling skills. Limbrick is made second favourite for both on account of shovelling as many chips in his mouth as possible and for just being himself.
Coach Wixey returns the favour to coach Harris and begins giving him mortgage advice as they continue the journey. Harris is immediately yawning and wishing the journey time really is “5 minutes” as well. To keep awake he allocates the rooms. Yet again he shows that he is missing his ‘Behaviour Specialist’ role and puts Taylor, Thomas and Laverton in one room from hell so he can exercise his skills in that area. Wixey quickly grabs the room furthest away.
Taylor demonstrates his increased level of self-reliance by leaving his boots at the hotel. Ansermoz bails him out with a spare pair for the game against Stoke Gabriel. Played on a near full size pitch but with small goals, the tourists played very well and matched their year older opponent’s physicality by having a greater desire and a better sense of teamwork. Also, having a goalkeeper like Sargeant in such impressive form contributed massively to Gloucester gaining a very creditable nil all draw. Indeed, as the game progressed, the yellows slowly turned defence into attack and finished the game the stronger. With Ansermoz, Hayes and Limbrick tackling well at the back and Laverton covering just about every blade of grass just in front, Gabriel found it very hard to break them down allowing Fortey, Thomas, Randall, Taylor, Williamson and Harris to push forward and pressurise the home team. A great team effort from all.
The travelling army of parents gave the boys a great reception before they sought refreshments from the bar. Some more than others! After the boys had changed and had had some food the talk turned to the excitement of the evening’s entertainment, who was going to do what, with whom and how late they were going to stay up. The boys were not interested in their parent’s plans though and ignored the excited chatter, raising the odd eyebrow in indifference. Coaches Wixey and Harris looked at each other, naively thinking the parents were just nervous about their offspring being away from them for the first time.
The evening’s quiz shows the full spectrum of intelligence that exists within the squad. Ansermoz lets everyone know he is at one end of the scale while Taylor, Harris and Williamson have no idea what a scale is. Harris thought that a gas beginning with O was petrol while Taylor asked if Torquay was two hours behind us. Williamson completely let his family and his school down by telling everyone that they do Physics in Chemistry but even worse, that retard begins with a W. Mr Cook of Longlevens Junior School was informed and could be heard crying down the phone. Limbrick very nearly answered a question but stopped himself just in time and returned to his role of the team clown. Pulling more faces than Jim Carey.
Taylor looked like old man Steptoe as he sat in bed drinking his cocoa but at least it stopped him talking and thinking for a few moments allowing Thomas free range to be the loudest and most animated person in the room for a short while. Laverton sat quietly looking like Matt Damon.
Room inspections indicated that Hayes, Fortey and Limbrick at least had an idea of what tidy looks like and that Sargeant, Harris and Williamson do not.
Breakfast passes without any major incident. Coach Harris again mentions his diet and how will get back on course that day. A few seconds later he orders a Full English breakfast. Pancakes appear to be the team’s favourite food. Fortey however opts for as many beans as he can get, finishing up other peoples’ for them.
Coach Harris decides to make a happy birthday video message for his friend, ex-B Team coach and Longlevens teacher Lewis Cook. Williamson is keen to make amends for disgracing the school the night before and volunteers to be in it and really helps to make amends by telling all about Lewis’s unfunny assemblies. Coach Harris immediately slots it into his video.
As the tourists arrive at the Wrigley’s ground for a match against Plymouth, they are greeted by a group of parents, some of them keen to regale the coaches with tales of the previous evening’s antics. Coaches Wixey and Harris looked at each other, naively thinking the parents were just nervous about their offspring being away from them for the first time. What goes on tour stays on tour is the old adage but Fortey senior seems to have more details than most.
The team start the game well and hold their own for the first 10 minutes creating the first opportunity but unfortunately Harris was unable to convert a chance he would normally put away. As Plymouth get into their impressive passing style the tourists struggle to keep pace and fall behind, a well taken header from a right wing cross. Two quick goals at the start of the second half increase the homeside’s advantage. An Ansermoz free kick is pushed onto the bar by the ‘keeper to deny the visitors a consolation goal. A penalty sees Plymouth further extend their lead before Gloucester rally and compete well for the final five minutes. The yellows going down by four goals to nil against a very good Plymouth side made harder by the toils of the previous night.
Laverton’s Auntie and Uncle arrive to see the last 5 minutes of the game after travelling over an hour just to see him play. Their rewards are a few snatched words, a coerced hug and kiss followed by a quick goodbye. Matt Damon would be proud of his look-a-like.
As the boys change, the parents tell more tales of the previous evenings antics and Coaches Wixey and Harris look at each other, naively thinking the parents were just nervous about their offspring being away from them for the first time…again. Taylor demonstrates his increased level of self-reliance by leaving his trainers at the hotel while Thomas obviously thought Plymouth was so far south that he only needed to pack shorts. School uniform attire ruins their cool image.
The Plymouth Argyle versus Rochdale game gets off to a flyer, the homeside scoring in the second minute to delight of the newly converted fans from Gloucester. Sadly that was the first and last celebration of the game. Rochdale equalising to force the draw. Coach Harris mindful of his diet going off the rails goes to search out a light snack at half time. He returns with a large Cornish Pastie.
The group headed straight to Paignton Pier. Randall came prepared with a bag full of 2p’s. All set about firing as much money into the machines as they possibly could in the hope of winning tickets with less value than Jurgen Klopp’s defending manual. Williamson is the first winner, proudly showing off his ‘Cars’ toy, Sargeant follows with a cuddly unicorn an then Laverton completely ruins his Matt Damon look as he parades around with an armful of cuddly toys. The boys, led by Fortey, pool all of their sweets won so they can have a ‘party’ that evening. Coach Wixey comments to Laverton that all those sweets will make them sick. His reply of “We’ll live” leaves Wixey gobsmacked.
Ansermoz astounds Coaches Wixey and Harris by ordering calamari for his supper and is instantly installed as favourite for the Jersey eating award. Sargeant manages to fire half a bottle of ketchup all over himself and Hayes makes a play to be a Manchester City goalkeeper by dropping a bowl of cheesy nachos and injures Coach Harris into the bargain. The coach, trying to avoid the falling bowl, attempts to move quicker than he has since becoming middle aged and pulls a muscle in his groin.
All prepare for the ‘party’. Limbrick adds to his burgeoning entertainment repertoire as he takes to belting out Spandau Ballet’s Gold loudly while showering. Fortey, Hayes and unbelievably Limbrick, demonstrate that they can be very thoughtful and sensible by carefully dividing out all the sweets into equal piles so all will have the same no matter what they had contributed. As Wixey and Harris have spoken to their parents they cannot help but wonder where this type of behaviour comes from. Perhaps it will dissipate as they morph into their parents. Limbrick though returns to type and Jim Carey re-appears as his audience is assembled.
The group are greeted by a duty manager who is less than pleased to see eleven young boys appear for breakfast. She is taken aback when Fortey orders his food so politely and by the end of the meal is full of praise for the whole group. As Wixey and Harris have spoken to their parents they cannot help but wonder where this type of behaviour comes from. Hayes makes another play to be a Manchester City goalkeeper by dropping a croissant at breakfast.
Paignton Zoo is enjoyed by all especially as Coach Harris has lost his voice. Hayes makes yet another play to be a Manchester City goalkeeper by dropping his Slush Puppy. Harris junior lets himself down by shouting out “There’s a tiger” as a lion walks by but Fortey tops that by declaring that tigers are lions.
The excellently behaved boys returned home with many memories and many compliments ringing in their ears. Back to their parents who have not received any such rave reviews. Coaches Wixey and Harris look at each other, and no longer think naively that the parents were just nervous about their offspring being away from them for the first time. They now know they have just experienced Absolutely Fabulous for real.
Roll on London and Jersey.
Many thanks to all. Never has the B Team received so much incredible support on the first tour of the season. It really is appreciated.
Coach Harris gave Wixey an informative, interesting and certainly not boring talk on how he has lost a few pounds on his latest diet. Wixey wishes the “5 minutes” told in reply to every question relating to time is true as coffee is urgently required to keep him awake. The first services break saw Coach Harris head straight for McDonalds, completely ruining his diet. Wixey is relieved for the onward journey. Most of the finely tuned athletes follow Coach Harris lead and ditch the healthy packed lunches in favour of nuggets and burgers as well. Randall is the notable exception and insists on munching his favourite sandwich of lettuce, gherkin and mackrell. He is immediately installed as favourite for the eating award in Jersey and third favourite to need Coach Harris’ counselling skills. Limbrick is made second favourite for both on account of shovelling as many chips in his mouth as possible and for just being himself.
Coach Wixey returns the favour to coach Harris and begins giving him mortgage advice as they continue the journey. Harris is immediately yawning and wishing the journey time really is “5 minutes” as well. To keep awake he allocates the rooms. Yet again he shows that he is missing his ‘Behaviour Specialist’ role and puts Taylor, Thomas and Laverton in one room from hell so he can exercise his skills in that area. Wixey quickly grabs the room furthest away.
Taylor demonstrates his increased level of self-reliance by leaving his boots at the hotel. Ansermoz bails him out with a spare pair for the game against Stoke Gabriel. Played on a near full size pitch but with small goals, the tourists played very well and matched their year older opponent’s physicality by having a greater desire and a better sense of teamwork. Also, having a goalkeeper like Sargeant in such impressive form contributed massively to Gloucester gaining a very creditable nil all draw. Indeed, as the game progressed, the yellows slowly turned defence into attack and finished the game the stronger. With Ansermoz, Hayes and Limbrick tackling well at the back and Laverton covering just about every blade of grass just in front, Gabriel found it very hard to break them down allowing Fortey, Thomas, Randall, Taylor, Williamson and Harris to push forward and pressurise the home team. A great team effort from all.
The travelling army of parents gave the boys a great reception before they sought refreshments from the bar. Some more than others! After the boys had changed and had had some food the talk turned to the excitement of the evening’s entertainment, who was going to do what, with whom and how late they were going to stay up. The boys were not interested in their parent’s plans though and ignored the excited chatter, raising the odd eyebrow in indifference. Coaches Wixey and Harris looked at each other, naively thinking the parents were just nervous about their offspring being away from them for the first time.
The evening’s quiz shows the full spectrum of intelligence that exists within the squad. Ansermoz lets everyone know he is at one end of the scale while Taylor, Harris and Williamson have no idea what a scale is. Harris thought that a gas beginning with O was petrol while Taylor asked if Torquay was two hours behind us. Williamson completely let his family and his school down by telling everyone that they do Physics in Chemistry but even worse, that retard begins with a W. Mr Cook of Longlevens Junior School was informed and could be heard crying down the phone. Limbrick very nearly answered a question but stopped himself just in time and returned to his role of the team clown. Pulling more faces than Jim Carey.
Taylor looked like old man Steptoe as he sat in bed drinking his cocoa but at least it stopped him talking and thinking for a few moments allowing Thomas free range to be the loudest and most animated person in the room for a short while. Laverton sat quietly looking like Matt Damon.
Room inspections indicated that Hayes, Fortey and Limbrick at least had an idea of what tidy looks like and that Sargeant, Harris and Williamson do not.
Breakfast passes without any major incident. Coach Harris again mentions his diet and how will get back on course that day. A few seconds later he orders a Full English breakfast. Pancakes appear to be the team’s favourite food. Fortey however opts for as many beans as he can get, finishing up other peoples’ for them.
Coach Harris decides to make a happy birthday video message for his friend, ex-B Team coach and Longlevens teacher Lewis Cook. Williamson is keen to make amends for disgracing the school the night before and volunteers to be in it and really helps to make amends by telling all about Lewis’s unfunny assemblies. Coach Harris immediately slots it into his video.
As the tourists arrive at the Wrigley’s ground for a match against Plymouth, they are greeted by a group of parents, some of them keen to regale the coaches with tales of the previous evening’s antics. Coaches Wixey and Harris looked at each other, naively thinking the parents were just nervous about their offspring being away from them for the first time. What goes on tour stays on tour is the old adage but Fortey senior seems to have more details than most.
The team start the game well and hold their own for the first 10 minutes creating the first opportunity but unfortunately Harris was unable to convert a chance he would normally put away. As Plymouth get into their impressive passing style the tourists struggle to keep pace and fall behind, a well taken header from a right wing cross. Two quick goals at the start of the second half increase the homeside’s advantage. An Ansermoz free kick is pushed onto the bar by the ‘keeper to deny the visitors a consolation goal. A penalty sees Plymouth further extend their lead before Gloucester rally and compete well for the final five minutes. The yellows going down by four goals to nil against a very good Plymouth side made harder by the toils of the previous night.
Laverton’s Auntie and Uncle arrive to see the last 5 minutes of the game after travelling over an hour just to see him play. Their rewards are a few snatched words, a coerced hug and kiss followed by a quick goodbye. Matt Damon would be proud of his look-a-like.
As the boys change, the parents tell more tales of the previous evenings antics and Coaches Wixey and Harris look at each other, naively thinking the parents were just nervous about their offspring being away from them for the first time…again. Taylor demonstrates his increased level of self-reliance by leaving his trainers at the hotel while Thomas obviously thought Plymouth was so far south that he only needed to pack shorts. School uniform attire ruins their cool image.
The Plymouth Argyle versus Rochdale game gets off to a flyer, the homeside scoring in the second minute to delight of the newly converted fans from Gloucester. Sadly that was the first and last celebration of the game. Rochdale equalising to force the draw. Coach Harris mindful of his diet going off the rails goes to search out a light snack at half time. He returns with a large Cornish Pastie.
The group headed straight to Paignton Pier. Randall came prepared with a bag full of 2p’s. All set about firing as much money into the machines as they possibly could in the hope of winning tickets with less value than Jurgen Klopp’s defending manual. Williamson is the first winner, proudly showing off his ‘Cars’ toy, Sargeant follows with a cuddly unicorn an then Laverton completely ruins his Matt Damon look as he parades around with an armful of cuddly toys. The boys, led by Fortey, pool all of their sweets won so they can have a ‘party’ that evening. Coach Wixey comments to Laverton that all those sweets will make them sick. His reply of “We’ll live” leaves Wixey gobsmacked.
Ansermoz astounds Coaches Wixey and Harris by ordering calamari for his supper and is instantly installed as favourite for the Jersey eating award. Sargeant manages to fire half a bottle of ketchup all over himself and Hayes makes a play to be a Manchester City goalkeeper by dropping a bowl of cheesy nachos and injures Coach Harris into the bargain. The coach, trying to avoid the falling bowl, attempts to move quicker than he has since becoming middle aged and pulls a muscle in his groin.
All prepare for the ‘party’. Limbrick adds to his burgeoning entertainment repertoire as he takes to belting out Spandau Ballet’s Gold loudly while showering. Fortey, Hayes and unbelievably Limbrick, demonstrate that they can be very thoughtful and sensible by carefully dividing out all the sweets into equal piles so all will have the same no matter what they had contributed. As Wixey and Harris have spoken to their parents they cannot help but wonder where this type of behaviour comes from. Perhaps it will dissipate as they morph into their parents. Limbrick though returns to type and Jim Carey re-appears as his audience is assembled.
The group are greeted by a duty manager who is less than pleased to see eleven young boys appear for breakfast. She is taken aback when Fortey orders his food so politely and by the end of the meal is full of praise for the whole group. As Wixey and Harris have spoken to their parents they cannot help but wonder where this type of behaviour comes from. Hayes makes another play to be a Manchester City goalkeeper by dropping a croissant at breakfast.
Paignton Zoo is enjoyed by all especially as Coach Harris has lost his voice. Hayes makes yet another play to be a Manchester City goalkeeper by dropping his Slush Puppy. Harris junior lets himself down by shouting out “There’s a tiger” as a lion walks by but Fortey tops that by declaring that tigers are lions.
The excellently behaved boys returned home with many memories and many compliments ringing in their ears. Back to their parents who have not received any such rave reviews. Coaches Wixey and Harris look at each other, and no longer think naively that the parents were just nervous about their offspring being away from them for the first time. They now know they have just experienced Absolutely Fabulous for real.
Roll on London and Jersey.
Many thanks to all. Never has the B Team received so much incredible support on the first tour of the season. It really is appreciated.
